One of my constant struggles in my walk with the Lord has been trusting the Lord and not in my own abilities Two of my personality traits are a need to have a sense of control and a need to have a plan. I like to be in control and know that things are getting done right. When I was in college, I hated group projects even in grad school when I was close friends with everyone in my class. I was never a good delegator and preferred to do the project all on my own even if it required extra work on my part to guarantee that I knew it was done correctly. Sometimes, well a lot of the time, I find myself doing this same thing with my relationship with God. I say, “I trust you God that you know what is best, and have a plan for my life” but here’s my backup plan in case that doesn’t work out.” So many times I try and rely on my own abilities. When worry takes a hold of me, my need for control comes out even stronger. Instead of sitting and stewing about my worries, and many times instead of giving them over to the Lord, I try and take over, to do something, to try and solve the situation on my own.
Not only do I like to have a sense of control over things in my life, but I also love to plan. The planning always seems to come back to the need for control. When I have a plan for the future, how much money we need to save this year, which family we’re spending this holiday with, etc. I feel in control of the situation. Again, too many times I make plans without consulting the Lord but basing them off my own desires and what I think is best.
A little over 2 years ago, the Lord had some work to do on my heart and took away my false sense of security in my need to be in control and have a plan. I found myself in one of the most stressful times in my life. I was in my second year of graduate school at OSU in an intensive, time-consuming program filled with multiple stressors crammed into one semester. At this time in my schooling I was taking 9 hours of coursework in my field, completing practicum hours both at our on-site clinic in Stillwater and at Edmond Family Counseling. And on top of that I had a graduate teaching assistantship that required 20 hours per week of grading, answering student emails and meetings. I was rarely home, gone every weeknight except for Fridays either at clinic, in Edmond, or in class. On top of that, Matt was completing his last semester of graduate school finishing his MBA and beginning to look for a job after graduation.
I felt I could handle the stress of school and everything that learning how to be a marriage and family therapist required. However, that thing that added the most stress to my life was the fact that my husband was planning to finish his schooling in May, and I had no idea what was coming next. I knew we could make it to May. We would face stress and difficulty but we were going to make it. But, then what? This is where the Lord starting etching away at my false security, telling me I needed to trust Him and not focus on the future, but focus on Him. I didn’t give in easily though. I began to stress and worry instead of leaning on Him. I would think, “May is coming quickly, and I have no idea where we will be living after Matt graduates. He’s been interviewing for jobs out of state and several hours away from Stillwater”. Then my thoughts turned to thinking, I won’t graduate for another semester. How is this going to work? Are we going to have to live apart for 6 months? How will we afford two rent payments? How often will we see each other? Will our marriage suffer? As the worries filled my head, my need for control took over. Instead of giving my worries over to the Lord and resting in His promises, I tried to take charge myself. I found myself job searching for Matt. I spent my few moments of free time researching companies coming to the next career fair, printing off applications for him, asking him incessantly how the job search was going, how he was prepared for his interviews. When meeting with my professors, conversations turned to talk of the possibility of me being able to graduate early in August instead of December. Would I be able to complete my practicum hours? How would I get my creative component finished by the summer? I turned my worry into action. I was determined to take control of the situation. However, it wasn’t until later that I realized that my desire to solve the situation, to make everything work out, to have a plan, really contributed nothing and actually caused some harm. Matt, already stressed about finding a job and providing for our family now came home to find a frazzled wife nagging him about if he had heard anything from companies revealing that possibly she didn’t trust him to fulfill his role in the family. My relationship with the Lord suffered too for a lot of the same reasons. I couldn’t give him all my trust. Sure I knew that He would take care of us and provide for his children, but He wasn’t doing it in my time, and I didn’t like that. I was fine following His plan, as long as it was done on my time.
But as Proverbs 3:5-6 states, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.” I guess you all know where Matt ended up finding a job. Leaning on my own understanding got us nowhere, but trusting the Lord revealed an incredible plan for our lives. Proverbs 19:21 says, "Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails". Several weeks after visiting with Flight Safety International at a career fair they called Matt and set up an interview. Two weeks to the day after the interview, just when we were close to giving up hope that Matt would get a job offer, they called and offered him a job in Broken Arrow. That June, Matt started work at Flight Safety and we officially moved to Broken Arrow at the end of July. The Lord met our needs above and beyond what we hoped for. We didn’t have to live apart. Well one night a week I stayed in Stillwater, but that was it. The Lord provided us with a home in Broken Arrow, a good stable job for Matt, a community we love and are thriving in and a church family where we have been able to develop friendships and relationships in a body of believers that challenge and encourage us. Not to mention the Lord provided me with a job in Tulsa the same day I graduated the following December. Looking back now, it is so clear the plan the Lord had for our life and how he was present in every detail. Psalm 40:5 says “Many O Lord my God are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us, no one can recount to you. Were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.”
Since that experience, I still struggle with a need to have control over situations. But when the urge to try and take over comes, the Lord reminds me how of how throughout our lives, He has orchestrated each aspect of our lives weaving them into His perfect plan and will continue to have a plan for my life. When I think back on those specific stressful times when the Lord has shown his faithfulness in such tangible ways, it’s easier to give my worry and my need for control and rest in his promises.
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