Frosting

Shortly before my 18th birthday, about 10 months after Matt and I started dating, I was visiting him in Stillwater for the weekend and we went to see the movie "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" with some friends from his dorm. Since then it has become one of my favorite movies and one of the only chick flicks Matt will voluntarily watch. If you haven't seen it, you should. It has the perfect combination of humor and romance and although predictable has more plot twists than most chick flicks. Anyway, in the movie one of the main characters, Ben works for an advertising company hoping to land a deal with a large diamond company. With the help of Andi, the female main character, he comes up with the slogan, "Frost yourself." A few weeks after watching the movie, Matt gave me diamond earrings for my birthday with the sweetest card. Obviously they were small, but they were the first diamond jewelery he had given me, and I loved them. I still have the card and found it the other day and smiled as I reread it. In the card, he wrote, "I know you want diamonds the size of your hand. But be patient with me and for now enjoy your frosting." Those diamond earrings and I went through a lot together including the time I thought I had lost one, and rummaged through the vacuum bag to find it (It was in there, thankfully). They were so special to me.


A few months before my 25th birthday I started hinting to Matt about wanting a larger set of diamond studs for that special birthday. He did some research and had some good arguments for why diamonds won't be quite as "precious" in the future and had found a website that had high quality cubic zirconia stones that had an actual diamond overlay. He told me it was my decision whether to get real diamonds or the cubic zirconia ones. Since we are planning a big vacation this year and due to the fact that I could get much larger stones if I went with the cubic zirconia, I decided to forego the actual diamonds. He ordered them and they came in a couple of weeks ago. Since then, I think I've worn them most days and am enjoying frosting myself.

The special jewelery gifts Matt gives me are so precious to me. I've never bought really nice jewelery for myself, and probably never will because you just can't beat receiving it as a gift from someone especially from the person I love most in the world. It just doesn't have the same meaning if I were to go out and buy it myself. He has gotten me lots of frosting over the years and every time I wear it, I'm reminded of our relationship and the sacrifices he has made to show me what I mean to him. There are so many special memories that I have from receiving my frosting including memories from the first necklace he got me for our first Christmas, to the next Christmas when he gave me a gorgeous diamond necklace that I wore every single day and then had to give up at the mall 2 months later to get it upgraded to a nicer necklace for my birthday, to the stunning engagement ring he gave me when he proposed and the pearl earrings he gave me the Christmas before we got married that I wore on our wedding day, and all the other necklaces and bracelets he's given me for birthdays and holidays over the years. He continues to spoil me, and the best part is, I think he gets as much joy out of giving me the gifts and seeing my reaction as I do in receiving them. I'm so thankful for all the special memories that accompany my frosting.

Oh, and that night after Matt ordered my earrings, we snuggled up in bed and watched "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." It brought back memories.

Why Can't Every Week Be Spring Break?

Last week was Tulsa Public Schools spring break, so my work week was flexible and I had some free time during the day. In total, I worked between 20-25 hours, and it was pure bliss. I had such a good week, and Matt did too, even though he was still working full time. I had the opportunity to get out of the house and work and feel productive but also had plenty of time to clean, do laundry (and even iron, which never happens), run errands and keep the house straightened all week without rushing or being stressed, which meant Matt didn't have to worry about helping me with any of that stuff and our evenings were free to do as we pleased. It was perfect. We were talking one night about how we had had such a good week, and I told him how much our quality of life would improve if I was just working part-time. He agreed that life would be better but still said I had to keep working full-time for now. So, since I'm not rushing out to talk to my boss about reducing my hours, I'll reminisce on my Spring Break week and how only working half-time made it so great.

Monday: I had to go in to Youth Services in the morning for a supervision meeting. After the meeting, I caught up on some paperwork and then headed out to meet for a family session. I ended up being done with all my work responsibilities by about 1:00 and went home. That afternoon Rhapsody and I went on an almost 3 mile walk/jog in the beautiful weather. It was such a nice walk, and Rhapsody loved it. After we got home, I set to work on tackling our bathroom. Since I knew I would have some extra time that week, I just focused on cleaning our bathroom on Monday and did a really thorough job. Matt had also done some caulking in our shower that weekend, so it looked really nice when it was all cleaned. I hate cleaning our shower and never feel like it looks clean even after I spend an hour on it, but with the caulking and the elbow grease I put into it, it actually looked pretty good when I finished. That evening, Matt and I were pretty lazy and just relaxed, watched TV, and played on the laptop after dinner.

Tuesday: I didn't have anything work related to do that morning so I slept in until Matt left for work. Then I worked out, ate breakfast, and spent the rest of the morning dusting, vacuuming, and straightening the house. I left a little before 12:00 to go to supervision and afterward headed to another family session and then back to Youth Services until 5:00 to do some intakes for some high school students. That evening after dinner, we were lazy again. We decided to postpone our date night for that week because Matt had several evening commitments the rest of the week and needed some down time.

Wednesday: I worked at Youth Services that morning meeting with a kid and then spending a few hours doing paperwork. I left Youth Services a little after 1:00, stopped by the grocery store to get some things for dinner and then went home for the day. That afternoon, I worked out and cleaned the kitchen and got ingredients prepared for dinner. That evening, two of our favorite couples came over for dinner and games. We grilled hamburgers for dinner, and they turned out delicious after Matt and the guys had to make an emergency run to Lowe's for more propane. The funny part is the weekend before when we planned the get together and were deciding what everyone would bring, I warned Matt in front of our friends about running out of propane. I guess he didn't listen very well. Besides that minor setback we had a great night. After dinner, we played Battle of the Sexes, and I laughed harder than I had in awhile at some of the guys' answers to the questions.

Thursday: I had a session with one of my clients scheduled for the afternoon, but that morning I met my friend Andrea at a walking trail just a couple of miles away from our houses. Rhapsody went too, of course. Rarely do I ever go on a walk without taking her. The walking trail we went to isn't ever very crowded, so Rhapsody got to run around without her leash. In total she probably walked twice as far as Andrea and I did because she kept running up ahead, then she'd stop and stare at us, run back to us and then head off again. She obeyed really well though, and I enjoyed getting to chat with a friend while I walked. Afterward, I came home started some laundry and cleaned up from the night before. That afternoon I met with a client and had a really great session. After dinner on Thursday, Matt went to a men's accountability group, and instead of sitting at home without him, I headed over to a friend's house whose husband was also attending the men's group. We spent the evening baking cookies and visiting.

Friday: I was able to schedule all my clients and other work at Youth Services, on Monday-Thursday, so besides a little paperwork that I could do from home, I had Friday off. That morning Rhapsody and I went on another walk with Andrea at the Reservoir. After we got home, I spent some time folding clothes and ironing some of Matt's shirts. A few weeks earlier I had heard from Matt that he stopped wearing several of his collared shirts because the collars had gotten folded weird and needed ironing. So, instead of just ironing the shirts, he stopped wearing them. I thought he just had 3 or 4, but when I told him I would iron them if he got them for me, he handed me more than 10 shirts. He has a whole new wardrobe now! While I folded laundry and ironed, I watched "The Time Traveler's Wife" from Netflix. I had read the book and wasn't too impressed but still wanted to watch the movie, and was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed the movie. Later that afternoon, I went on another walk/jog with my good friend Erica. The weather was so beautiful and I really enjoyed getting a chance to enjoy the weather and get in some quality time with my friends throughout the week. That evening when Matt got off work, we left town to go down to Texas for a wedding.

Even though I didn't do anything really exciting or adventurous over the break, I really enjoyed the balance between my work responsibilities and home responsibilities. I had the opportunity to catch up on some cleaning at home and the house always looked neat throughout the week which reduces my stress. I also got to spend a lot of time outside, enjoying the Spring weather, spent time with friends and quality time with Matt.

Bath Time

Our Rhapsody may be small but she is 15 lbs of pure personality. Recently, her personality has come out during bath time. We try and bathe her every two to three weeks depending on how much time she spends outside. Rhapsody has gotten used to the routine of bath time and her memory has led to some difficulty lately. She's never been a big fan of her baths but tolerates them alright once she knows there's no escaping.

This past weekend, we saw several aspects of her personality come up during her bath time including her need to be in control, her stubbornness, melodramatic side, and ultimately her submissiveness. Matt and I had decided we were tired of her smell, and decided we needed to bathe her. I grabbed her shampoo and called her to come in from outside. She came running in when I called her, but after one glimpse of what I was holding, she turned around and ran right back out. The doggy door my parents gave us for Christmas has given Rhapsody a false sense of being in control, and she loves it! Having control over when she comes in and out has changed her life, and she gets very upset when that control is taken away from her. She will happily be napping on her bed, when she hears the back door being shut taking her control away and she will run right to you and give you the puppy dog eyes like she's saying, "How dare you close that door, what if I needed to go outside?" So, obviously she thinks that if she runs outside, Matt and I don't have any control over her anymore. Well, she was wrong. I set the shampoo down, went outside and sternly told Rhapsody to come inside. She sat and stared at me for awhile, but ultimately decided she needed to obey, so she ran inside as I praised her prematurely, because as soon as she got in the door, she ran full speed into our bedroom and straight under the bed. It took both of us staking out each side of the bed to trap her and pull her out. Matt was able to reach under and grab her and picked her up and took her into the bathroom and wisely shut the door behind him.

At that point, Rhapsody had figured out that she had lost the battle and surrendered by jumping right into the bathtub to endure her torture. And let me tell you, she lets us know how bad it really is to be bathed. She is very dramatic. She'll walk to the far end of the bathtub to avoid getting wet while at the same time lapping up some water. Occasionally, throughout the bath, she would growl/whimper/whine in a very pathetic way and every once in awhile she would start shivering. She never openly rebels or tries to dart out of the bathtub, but she subtly lets us know that she does not appreciate what we are doing. After the bath comes the blow dryer which surprisingly she tolerates better than the bath as long as we avoid aiming the dryer at her face. Again, she submits and lies down to accept the hair dryer, looking forward to the brushing that follows, which she does genuinely seem to enjoy. Once we start brushing her she'll just fall over on her side and sprawl out, so we don't miss a spot.

Rhapsody after her first bath. She looked like a wet rat

Oh Rhapsody, our lives would be so boring without you :)

Working for a Living

Life has been pretty low-key lately with the Baughers. Matt has still been recovering from sickness, so we've been laying low the last couple of weeks. Since there hasn't been much exciting going on, I thought I'd take some time to share a little about what I do all day during the week. I really love my job. Sure, there are some drawbacks. I miss working with younger kids and couples, but other than that, I think this job is perfect for me. I was thinking about walking through a typical day for me at work, but really every single day is different, which is definitely a reason I like it so much. I never get bored. So instead of sharing about a typical day, I thought I'd share about my typical responsibilities in a week.

One of my biggest responsibilities includes providing counseling services to kids on my caseload. I usually see between 2-4 kids per day for individual counseling. Currently, I have 9 on my caseload, and I see a few of them twice per week. I meet with them for one class period which is 50 minutes. I have a lot of variety on my caseload but typically, my clients' goals usually focus on coping skills, decision making, social skills, and anger management. I have a few kids with some pretty serious past trauma. Then I have some kids with limited supervision at home and no consequences for behavior. For some kids, I feel like their parent as far as being an adult that they can talk to about current issues and decisions they need to make about dating, sex, high school, and future goals. Working with low-income families in a poor area of Tulsa, I find myself with an overarching goal of instilling hope in these kids. So many of them have absolutely no plans for the future, no direction, no hope of ever escaping North Tulsa. I try and encourage them, expand their options and believe in them. How blessed am I that I get paid to do that! Middle schoolers are also very relationship focused. If you want them to absorb anything you tell them, they have to know you, trust you, and have a relationship with you, so a big part of the therapeutic process with these kids is establishing a relationship with them which could include listening to their stories, playing cards, working puzzles, and spending time being invested in learning about their lives, what they do for fun, who their friends are, etc. So, about half my days are usually spent working one on one providing counseling services to students. I also try and establish relationships with their parents through phone calls and family sessions either at school or after school at their homes.

My other major responsibility is identifying other kids who could benefit from our services, and getting them signed up for services and assigned to a counselor at the school. Currently there are three Youth Services workers at my school including myself. In order to find kids who need services, I spend time attending meetings at the school with teachers and talking with school counselors, and support staff. They're normally great at giving me names when I ask, and now that I've been there awhile and they know me better, they're also great about calling me when a student is in their office needing some help, or even when they're meeting with parents. There have been a few times lately when I have been meeting with a student, and I'll get a call saying "There's a parent who wants to sign their child up for counseling, can you come up right now?" That's where the need for flexiblity comes in. I also try and spend time in the halls and the cafeteria to observe the kids and get to know some of them. That way, they know me, and I've had several students come in my office asking for a counselor.

Here's what happens once I get a name from a teacher or student.
Once I get names for a referral from teachers or students, then I spend time calling parents, sharing about the services we offer and answering any questions they have and asking if they would like to have their child in our services.

If a parent agrees to have their child in our services, then I set up an intake appointment with them. Usually they will come up to the school, but there are a lot of times when I travel to their home to complete the intake assessment. Sometimes I meet with the parent and student together for the appointment, and sometimes depending on schedules, I'll meet with them separately. During the intake appointment, I interview the student and parent and complete an intensive background assessment that asks pretty much everything you would ever need to know. Okay, not really but it is like a 20 page assessment. We also discuss goals for treatment and I go over all the consent forms and obtain signatures and explain the counseling procedures. I usually do 1-2 intakes per week. At the beginning of the year, I would do 5-6 a week, but it's slowed down a lot.

After the intake appointment, then the paperwork for me starts which includes entering all the information from the assessment into the computer, and writing the treatment plan. The treatment plan includes treatment goals and objectives, diagnosis and CARS scores where I score the client on a variety of domains (role performance, mood/affect, thinking/mental process, etc.). Once all that paperwork is completed and turned in at Youth Services, then the student is officially ready to begin counseling sessions with either myself or usually another counselor at the school.
Other than those two main responsibilities which take up most of my time, there are several other things that fill up my week. I have monthly all agency staff meetings and monthly department staff meetings. I also have weekly supervision with my LMFT supervisor and my on-site supervisor at Youth Services. Also, I spend time each week visiting with the other two counselors at my school. They update me with how their clients are doing and I share with them any information I've learned from teachers. Sometimes we process challenging cases together. Occasionally, crisis situations arise, and students will come in my office whether we see them on our caseload or not, needing immediate help. I also spend time updating treatment plans and writing progress notes for each counseling session and traveling to Youth Services to turn in paperwork.

One of the things I like most about my job are the influence I get to have at the school and the students. It makes my day when students just pop in my office to say hi. I absolutely love the influence I get to have on these kids. Even when it seems like they aren't listening, I know they aren't ignoring having a positive adult who cares about them and wants them to succeed. Another thing I love about my job is the variety. Last year, I had about 25 kids on my caseload and all I did all day was meet one on one for counseling sessions. I enjoyed that, but I definitely prefer some variety and not doing the same thing every day. I'm truly blessed with such a great job, and I might be biased, but Ibelieve Youth Services is at the top of the list of social service agencies in the Tulsa area.

Trusting God

A couple of weeks ago, my Sunday school teacher asked me to share a testimony with the class about trusting God. He asked me to stalk about a time in the last 4 years, where my faith was challenged and how the Lord proved that he can be trusted in all things. I thought I would share on here about what I wrote and shared with the class.

One of my constant struggles in my walk with the Lord has been trusting the Lord and not in my own abilities Two of my personality traits are a need to have a sense of control and a need to have a plan. I like to be in control and know that things are getting done right. When I was in college, I hated group projects even in grad school when I was close friends with everyone in my class. I was never a good delegator and preferred to do the project all on my own even if it required extra work on my part to guarantee that I knew it was done correctly. Sometimes, well a lot of the time, I find myself doing this same thing with my relationship with God. I say, “I trust you God that you know what is best, and have a plan for my life” but here’s my backup plan in case that doesn’t work out.” So many times I try and rely on my own abilities. When worry takes a hold of me, my need for control comes out even stronger. Instead of sitting and stewing about my worries, and many times instead of giving them over to the Lord, I try and take over, to do something, to try and solve the situation on my own.

Not only do I like to have a sense of control over things in my life, but I also love to plan. The planning always seems to come back to the need for control. When I have a plan for the future, how much money we need to save this year, which family we’re spending this holiday with, etc. I feel in control of the situation. Again, too many times I make plans without consulting the Lord but basing them off my own desires and what I think is best.

A little over 2 years ago, the Lord had some work to do on my heart and took away my false sense of security in my need to be in control and have a plan. I found myself in one of the most stressful times in my life. I was in my second year of graduate school at OSU in an intensive, time-consuming program filled with multiple stressors crammed into one semester. At this time in my schooling I was taking 9 hours of coursework in my field, completing practicum hours both at our on-site clinic in Stillwater and at Edmond Family Counseling. And on top of that I had a graduate teaching assistantship that required 20 hours per week of grading, answering student emails and meetings. I was rarely home, gone every weeknight except for Fridays either at clinic, in Edmond, or in class. On top of that, Matt was completing his last semester of graduate school finishing his MBA and beginning to look for a job after graduation.

I felt I could handle the stress of school and everything that learning how to be a marriage and family therapist required. However, that thing that added the most stress to my life was the fact that my husband was planning to finish his schooling in May, and I had no idea what was coming next. I knew we could make it to May. We would face stress and difficulty but we were going to make it. But, then what? This is where the Lord starting etching away at my false security, telling me I needed to trust Him and not focus on the future, but focus on Him. I didn’t give in easily though. I began to stress and worry instead of leaning on Him. I would think, “May is coming quickly, and I have no idea where we will be living after Matt graduates. He’s been interviewing for jobs out of state and several hours away from Stillwater”. Then my thoughts turned to thinking, I won’t graduate for another semester. How is this going to work? Are we going to have to live apart for 6 months? How will we afford two rent payments? How often will we see each other? Will our marriage suffer? As the worries filled my head, my need for control took over. Instead of giving my worries over to the Lord and resting in His promises, I tried to take charge myself. I found myself job searching for Matt. I spent my few moments of free time researching companies coming to the next career fair, printing off applications for him, asking him incessantly how the job search was going, how he was prepared for his interviews. When meeting with my professors, conversations turned to talk of the possibility of me being able to graduate early in August instead of December. Would I be able to complete my practicum hours? How would I get my creative component finished by the summer? I turned my worry into action. I was determined to take control of the situation. However, it wasn’t until later that I realized that my desire to solve the situation, to make everything work out, to have a plan, really contributed nothing and actually caused some harm. Matt, already stressed about finding a job and providing for our family now came home to find a frazzled wife nagging him about if he had heard anything from companies revealing that possibly she didn’t trust him to fulfill his role in the family. My relationship with the Lord suffered too for a lot of the same reasons. I couldn’t give him all my trust. Sure I knew that He would take care of us and provide for his children, but He wasn’t doing it in my time, and I didn’t like that. I was fine following His plan, as long as it was done on my time.

But as Proverbs 3:5-6 states, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.” I guess you all know where Matt ended up finding a job. Leaning on my own understanding got us nowhere, but trusting the Lord revealed an incredible plan for our lives. Proverbs 19:21 says, "Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails". Several weeks after visiting with Flight Safety International at a career fair they called Matt and set up an interview. Two weeks to the day after the interview, just when we were close to giving up hope that Matt would get a job offer, they called and offered him a job in Broken Arrow. That June, Matt started work at Flight Safety and we officially moved to Broken Arrow at the end of July. The Lord met our needs above and beyond what we hoped for. We didn’t have to live apart. Well one night a week I stayed in Stillwater, but that was it. The Lord provided us with a home in Broken Arrow, a good stable job for Matt, a community we love and are thriving in and a church family where we have been able to develop friendships and relationships in a body of believers that challenge and encourage us. Not to mention the Lord provided me with a job in Tulsa the same day I graduated the following December. Looking back now, it is so clear the plan the Lord had for our life and how he was present in every detail. Psalm 40:5 says “Many O Lord my God are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us, no one can recount to you. Were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.”

Since that experience, I still struggle with a need to have control over situations. But when the urge to try and take over comes, the Lord reminds me how of how throughout our lives, He has orchestrated each aspect of our lives weaving them into His perfect plan and will continue to have a plan for my life. When I think back on those specific stressful times when the Lord has shown his faithfulness in such tangible ways, it’s easier to give my worry and my need for control and rest in his promises.